Friday, December 12, 2008

Bad Movies

I went to see Synecdoche, New York at the AFI in Silver Spring. While I love Charlie Kaufman, and while I appreciate the idea of the movie (director wants to make a play about his life, but wants to make it life-sized, on and on, layers within layers)... the whole thing was a long, drawn-out, uninteresting piece of crap, with only glimmers of cleverness that do not outweigh the boringness of the maiin character's long path to death.

I don't have too much more to say about Synecdoche (other than it's pronounced "sin-ECK-duh-key"). A one-sentence review is all you're getting.

In the interest of actually watching good movies, I've joined Netflix. It's a good service, but I wish it had EVEN MORE foreign films, and I wish that everything was streamable.

Rating movies on Netflix is addictive. I've rated 886 movies so far. (Is that a lot?) Let me show you the ones that I rated one-star (which means "hated it"--it goes 1=hated it, 2=didn't like it, 3=liked it, 4=really liked it, 5=loved it).
  • Armageddon.
    Nuff said.

  • Bad Boys II.
    I love the first one for the humor and for Tea Leone. This had neither.

  • End of Days.
    Schwartzenegger vs. the Devil. Right.

  • Expelled.
    A so-called "documentary" about scientists "unfairly" putting down "Intelligent" Design.

  • Face/Off.
    I never knew over-the-top action could be so boring.

  • The Grifters.
    I thought it was going to be a con-artist movie, not an updated version of Oedipus. Grossss.

  • The Hollywood Knights.
    I think I saw this on cable when I was really young. I only rated it "hate" because I'm not into immature 80s screwball comedies any more.

  • A Knight's Tale.
    Chaucer as a cool skinny dude? Medieval people dancing to rock music? Heath was better than this.

  • Mars Attacks.
    One of those movies that you keep thinking, any minute, will become hilarious but never does.

  • Open Range.
    Perhaps I was unfair to this one. It's not Costner's worst.

  • Orange County.
    Unfunny. Chevy Chase high on ecstacy could not save it.

  • Pollock.
    Reaaaally boring look at the artist's life.

  • Portrait of Hell.
    This is a Japanese period piece I watched in connection with a history class. My history class was more interesting and entertaining. Nonsensical story and drawn-out screaming make this unwatchable.

  • A Prairie Home Companion.
    Love the radio show. Hate the movie. Not funny. Not interesting. No plot. No resolution. No Lake Woebegon story, which is the real sin.

  • Pride and Prejudice.
    This is the Kiera-Knightly-Is-Beautiful version, which I detest simply because the BBC miniseries is so amazing.

  • Rush Hour 2.
    The first one was funny and alive.

  • Shakes the Clown.
    Sorry, Bobcat, but you could never pull off a lead character.

  • Shooter.
    Too ridiculous.

  • Simon Birch.
    I hate this movie on principle: it should never have been made. It was based loosely on A Prayer for Owen Meany, one of the best books of the late 20th century. But they drained it of all meaning and made it about a crippled kid. I never saw it and never will.

  • Terminator 3.
    Linda Hamilton said this movie had no heart. Linda Hamilton was being kind.

  • Underworld.
    Vampires! Werewolves! Don't worry about the story, just throw 'em together.

  • The Upside of Anger.
    Ah. This is one of Costner's worst. Makes no sense.

  • What Dreams May Come.
    There are movies that tug at your heartstrings. Then there are movies that try to snake up your rectum and manipulate your heart into emotions as if it were playdough. I felt used.

  • Wild Wild West.
    Robots! Guns! Will Smith!

  • X-Men 3: The Last Stand. No. Do-over. DO-OVER. Do-over, Hulk-style.
I usually can tell if I'll hate a movie or not, so I don't tend to see movies I know I'll really hate. That's why there are so few on this list. There are plenty of movies I'm sure I would not love, but I'm not willing to say if I'd hate them or just dislike them without actually seeing them.

No comments: