Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Good People of Metro

The good people of Metro are not jerks. They are not trying to be difficult with you. They are the best at what they do.

If it seems like none of the good people of Metro have the ability to reason or think beyond what they have been told, so much the better. For, if one of the good people of Metro started using his or her brain, then some Metro riders would be treated differently than others. That is not allowed. All must be treated with the same distance, monotone voice, and clear-cut rules.

For example: if you want to ride the Metro with a bike, you must not use the escalator. You must use the elevator. The rules are clearly stated. There is no third option. You must follow the rules.

There are some who might say that there are such things as "stairs." This is impossible. Stairs are not referred to in the rules. There are only "escalators" and "elevators."

Thus, if you attempt to carry your bicycle up a set of stairs (solid, stone, stationary stairs), one of the good people of Metro will automate herself over to you and announce the rules to you, like so:

"You cannot take your bicycle on the escalator."

There is no point in saying "But these are stairs," for the good woman of Metro will say:

"You cannot take your bicycle on the escalator. The elevators must be used at all times. You must use the elevator. You did not know. You need a pamphlet."

There is no point in saying "But stairs aren't the same as escalators," for she will say only:

"The elevators must be used. You did not know. The elevators must be used."

Thank you, good woman of Metro, for levelly dealing with all riders with the same dispassion, the same ruthless appeal to the rules, the same attention to the same language in every Metro station. Thank you, good people of Metro, for the purest form of public service: rendering every interaction lifeless, unimaginative, and most importantly, the same for everyone. All Hail the Good People of Metro!

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